Covenant Commitments Part 1: Stay & Grow

The Secret to Longevity

What keeps a marriage strong for decades? Is it luck? Chemistry? Compatibility? Shared interests? A string of perfect circumstances?

No. What keeps a marriage strong is commitment.

Covenant commitments are defined by the quiet, determined resolve to hold on when others let go. It’s the belief that love is a choice long after it’s a feeling. It’s what separates marriages that struggle to survive from those that thrive.

I’ve sat with numerous couples in counseling, some just beginning their journey, others struggling to hold the pieces together. In those moments I’ve learned this truth: the most successful marriages aren’t built on chemistry; they’re built on commitment.

That’s what covenant is all about. Commitment.

I want to explore two core covenant commitments that sustain lifelong love:

1.     The commitment to take root and stay when it’s easier to leave.

2.     The commitment to bear fruit and grow when it’s easier to coast.

But first, I want to introduce a concept I use in my premarital counseling that captures this idea beautifully.

The Power of a Resolute Marriage Mindset

One of the most valuable tools I use with engaged couples is the Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts (SYMBIS)Assessment, created by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, two of the leading voices in Christian marriage research, preparation, and enrichment.

As a certified SYMBIS Assessment Facilitator, I help couples unpack the personalized insights the SYMBIS assessment provides. It’s a powerful resource because among other things, it identifies how each person approaches marriage. It identifies their expectations, communication patterns, conflict styles, and even their marriage mindset.

One of those mindsets is called The Resolute Mindset, and it’s the one I love to see most.

Here’s how the Parrotts describe someone with a Resolute Marriage Mindset:

“You are a true believer when it comes to matrimony. In fact, you have the highest marriage motivation of any other category. You are more than twice as likely as your peers to say: ‘Divorce is not an option.’ You are marrying for life. You resonate with words like devotion, dedication, and commitment. More than others, you are likely to want to have children at some point, too. In fact, only 2% of Resolutes say they never want children.”

The Parrotts’ research shows that couples with a Resolute Marriage Mindset have dramatically higher success rates and long-term satisfaction. Why? Because they see marriage through a covenant lens, not a contract lens.

They don’t enter marriage with escape routes or backup plans. They enter with resolve.

When I lead couples through SYMBIS, I tell them, “Mindset matters. If you approach marriage as a covenant, your chances of success skyrocket, because you’ll stay when others quit and grow when others give up.”

That’s the heart of covenant commitment, and it starts with the first principle:

Take Root: Stay When It’s Easier to Leave

Jesus said in Matthew 19:6, “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

That’s not a poetic phrase. It’s a divine command. Marriage is not man-made; it’s God-joined. Jesus is quoting Genesis 2 affirming the creation design for marriage. God designed the marriage union to be permanent.

Staying doesn’t mean ignoring problems or tolerating unhealthy patterns or abusive behavior. It does mean rejecting the cultural narrative that says, “If it’s hard, it must not be right.”

Covenant is about permanence. It refuses to treat marriage like a revolving door.

In couples counseling, I often see this played out in the difference between “contract couples” and “covenant couples.”

·       Contract couples stay as long as the terms feel fair.

·       Covenant couples stay because the relationship itself is sacred.

Staying means:

·       Choosing reconciliation over running.

·       Saying no to the escape route.

·       Holding the line when culture says, “Just quit.”

The Culture of Exit

We live in an exit-driven culture. If a job gets hard, we quit. If we don’t get enough playing time, we transfer. If a product fails, we replace it. If a friendship gets complicated, we drift.

That mindset has crept into marriage.

When the excitement fades or tension rises, couples assume they’ve “fallen out of love.” But love isn’t something you fall into. Love is something you build into.

Every lasting marriage you admire has one thing in common: two people who decided to stay. Not because it was easy, but because it was right.

Staying and Sanctification

When Jesus spoke about marriage, He pointed back to Genesis, to a union so sacred it created “one flesh.” That’s covenant language. It means your lives are now interwoven, inseparable in identity and purpose.

To walk away from that without cause is to tear something God Himself has fused. That creates damage to both parties, and it grieves God’s heart. And yet, staying doesn’t just preserve the covenant—it purifies it.

Covenant faithfulness refines us. It teaches us forgiveness, patience, humility, and grace. You can’t grow in love without friction, and you can’t mature in faith without endurance.

James 1:4 says, “Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”Marriage is one of the primary places God teaches perseverance.

When Staying Feels Impossible

For some, staying feels like climbing a mountain. Maybe you’ve faced betrayal, emotional distance, or years of unspoken resentment. Maybe you have experienced active violations to your marriage or faced passive abandonment. You might be thinking, “I’ve tried. I can’t do this anymore.”

Let me say this with sincere compassion and clarity: staying doesn’t mean staying stuck.

There’s a difference between persevering in faith and enduring in silence.

Healthy covenant love fights for restoration, not resignation. It invites counseling, accountability, community, and prayer.

Sometimes the bravest act of remaining rooted is reaching out for help.

When couples choose to stay and do the work, God has an incredible way of breathing life into dry bones.

I’ve seen marriages that looked dead spring back to life. But that doesn’t happen through luck or wishful thinking. Reconciliation and restoration come through grace-fueled perseverance.

Produce Fruit: Grow When It’s Easier to Coast

Philippians 1:6 says, “He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion.”

That’s not just true for individuals. It’s true for marriages. Growth is God’s design. He never calls us to comfort. He calls us to transformation.

In a covenant marriage, both spouses commit to lifelong growth, both individually and together. They keep learning, adjusting, and refining their love.

But coasting is always the temptation.

The Danger of Stagnation

I’ve watched too many marriages slowly wither, not because of crisis but because of complacency.

Couples stop asking questions. They stop dating each other. They stop dreaming together.

Eventually, routine replaces romance and maintenance replaces mission. It’s what I call “the slow fade.”

Growth means refusing to let that happen. It means choosing curiosity over assumption and humility over pride. It means asking, “How can I love you better today than I did yesterday?”

The Process of Growing Together

Growth takes intentionality. It’s not automatic. It’s cultivated.

Here are some practical ways covenant couples keep growing:

1.     Keep learning each other. Your spouse is not the same person you married—they’re evolving. Keep discovering their heart.

2.     Prioritize spiritual growth. Pray together. Study Scripture together. Attend church regularly.

3.     Seek wise counsel. Strong couples don’t wait for crisis, they invest in check-ups. (That’s one reason I love the SYMBIS Assessment. It starts couples off with a roadmap for lifelong growth.)

4.     Invest in communication skills. Learn how to listen to understand, not to respond.

5.     Celebrate progress. Growth deserves recognition. Celebrate milestones, even small ones.

Covenant growth doesn’t happen by accident; it happens by pursuit.

The Gift of Change

When I facilitate SYMBIS sessions, I remind couples: the goal isn’t to stay the same. The goal is to stay together while you change.

Healthy marriages don’t fear change, they harness it.

You will not be the same people in ten years, and that’s good. God’s sanctifying work is ongoing. The key is to let change draw you toward one another, not away from each other.

The best marriages evolve. They adapt, adjust, and grow deeper with every season. And the couples who thrive are the ones who stay curious, stay teachable, and stay committed to becoming more Christlike, together.

The Marriage Mindset of Growth

In SYMBIS, the Parrotts emphasize that mindset determines trajectory. The Resolute Marriage Mindset that leads couples to say, “Divorce is not an option,” is not rooted in stubbornness, it’s rooted in growth-oriented faithfulness.

Resolute couples don’t just stay because they promised; they stay because they believe in what God is building. They see marriage as a sacred partnership in transformation. They don’t ask, “How do I stay happy?” They ask, “How do I become holy?”

That mindset changes everything. It reframes challenges as opportunities, not threats.

It’s the mindset that says:

·       “We can work through this.”

·       “God can heal what’s broken.”

·       “This season won’t define us; it will refine us.”

That’s the covenant perspective: staying and growing as acts of worship.

A Story of Stay & Grow

I once talked a couple who nearly divorced a couple years after they married. They were frustrated, resentful, and convinced they’d made a mistake.

But instead of walking away, they decided to stay and make a real effort to grow.

They entered counseling, started attending a small group, and began attending church together. It took a lot of work, but the learned new ways to communicate and unlearned years of unhealthy patterns.

At first, they said it just felt awkward. But slowly, their hearts softened as God’s grace began to do its work. A decade later, they’re more in love than ever, and now they mentor younger couples through the same struggles they once experienced.

Their marriage isn’t perfect, but it’s powerful. It’s what happens when two people take covenant seriously enough to stay and grow.

Covenant Commitments

Covenant marriage requires grit. It’s not about flawless love. It is about faithful love.

Stay when it’s easier to leave.Grow when it’s easier to coast.

That’s the secret to marriages that last.

The Resolute Marriage Mindset isn’t just a psychological profile, it’s a conclusive biblical posture. It’s what happens when a couple says, “We’re in this for life, and we’re in it to become more like Christ.”

That kind of love doesn’t fade, it deepens over time.

So stay. Stay when it’s hard. Stay when it’s confusing. Stay when it doesn’t feel wonderful.

And grow. Grow in patience. Grow in compassion. Grow in holiness.

Because the God who began a good work in you (both of you) will be faithful to complete it.