How Marriages Break: When to Seek Marriage Counseling (Part 1)

When Cracks Form

In previous blogs I discussed some of the blessings of covenant marriage: safety, security, fulfillment, and holiness. But now we are going to explore what happens when the marriage covenant is broken.

I love officiating weddings. Every marriage begins with hope. Every couple at the altar imagines a lifetime of love, laughter, and partnership. But not every marriage ends that way. Some bonds fray slowly, weakened by years of neglect. Others shatter suddenly, splintered by betrayal or abuse.

Understanding how marriages break is not about focusing on failure or shame. The focus is about learning how to guard what God has entrusted to us. It’s about recognizing the warning signs and reinforcing the foundation before cracks result in collapse.

In this post, we’ll look at what I call active violations, or deliberate, destructive actions that tear at the covenant bond. These are not accidental wounds or misunderstandings. They are willful breaches that violate trust, safety, and faithfulness at the heart of a marriage.

Breach of Trust

Trust is the oxygen of marriage. Without trust, any relationship suffocates.

You can survive without constant excitement. You can endure differences in personality, preferences, or hobbies. But you cannot build intimacy in your marriage without trust.

Proverbs 12:22 says, “Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who act faithfully are His delight.” Trust is not optional in a covenant. Trust is sacred. When lies, secrecy, or deceit enter the picture, the entire structure of the marriage begins to fracture.

How Trust Is Broken

Betrayal doesn’t always come in the form of dramatic infidelity. It can, but sometimes it looks quieter, subtler:

·       A spouse hides purchases or bank accounts.

·       Important decisions are made in secret.

·       One spouse starts editing the truth to avoid conflict.

At first, these may seem small. But small cracks left unaddressed always spread. Over time, suspicion replaces confidence, and distance replaces intimacy.

Trust once broken is incredibly difficult to rebuild. It can be restored—but only through deep repentance, consistent honesty, and time.

Rebuilding Trust

When couples come to me after trust has been violated, I often remind them that rebuilding is possible, but it’s slow, and likely as painful as the original violation was. Like a bone that’s been broken, it can heal stronger than before, but only if it's reset correctly first.

That means:

1.     Total transparency. No more secrets. No partial confessions. Light brings healing; darkness keeps wounds infected. The offended always sets the standard. The offender doesn't get to challenge the boundaries the offended party sets.

2.     Time and consistency. There’s no shortcut to rebuilding credibility. Rebuilding trust takes time. Time shouldn't be weaponized to rush the healing process or to prolong the process as punishment.

3.     Counseling and accountability. You can’t rebuild trust alone. You do need other people who love you, support you, and will guide you in discernment and wisdom.

The good news is that trust, once restored, can deepen a marriage in ways that a shallow peace never could. God’s grace redeems even the fractures we thought were final.

Abuse

Abuse in any form, physical, emotional, verbal, spiritual, or sexual, is a direct assault on covenant love, is wrong, and never excusable.

Covenant love is protective, not destructive. It builds up, not tear down. Ephesians 5:25 calls husbands to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” That’s a love that sacrifices self for the good of the other, never the other way around.

Abuse inverts the covenant relationship. Instead of reflecting God’s faithful love, it mirrors Satan’s cruelty, using power to dominate, control, or inflict fear.

Four Forms of Abuse

Abuse is not limited to bruises. It can take many forms:

·       Physical abuse: Hitting, threatening, or using intimidation.

·       Emotional abuse: Manipulation, name-calling, isolation, or constant criticism.

·       Spiritual abuse: Using Scripture or religious authority to control or shame.

·       Financial abuse: Withholding money or creating dependence.

All are covenant violations because all destroy the safety and security marriage is designed to provide.

God’s Heart for the Oppressed

Some people have been told to “endure” abuse for the sake of the covenant. That is not biblical. God never condones coercive control or oppression. Psalm 11:5 says, “The Lord tests the righteous, but his soul hates the wicked and the one who loves violence.”

When a spouse uses their power to hurt or harm, they have broken the covenant. Protecting an abuser at the expense of the abused isn't righteousness, compassion, or forgiveness, it is injustice.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive marriage, hear this clearly: God does not call you to remain in danger. Seek help. Tell someone you can trust. Step into the light where healing can begin.

Covenant is not meant to imprison. Covenant is meant to protect.

Infidelity

Few things devastate marriage like unfaithfulness. It is the ultimate betrayal of intimacy and trust.

Jesus Himself acknowledged the seriousness of this in Matthew 19:9:

“Whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”

Infidelity does include, but is not limited to physical affairs. It includes emotional entanglements, online flirtations, pornography, and any breach of sexual or emotional exclusivity.

The Nature of Infidelity

At its root, infidelity says: “I want the pleasures of intimacy without the boundaries of covenant.”

It’s the serpent’s whisper from Genesis 3 all over again: “You can have what you want, and God won’t really mind... infact, God is actually withholding good things from you.”

But infidelity always costs more than it promises. Affairs destroy trust, self-worth, and legacy. They poison the soil where love was meant to grow.

The Ripple of Betrayal

Infidelity doesn’t just wound one spouse, it has ripples that move outward. Children sense the fracture even when they’re not told. Friends and church communities feel the loss. The credibility of a Christian's witness is tarnished. Studies even show that workplace productivity decreases when someone is having an affair. Translation: infidelity has a definitively negative affect on the economy, the community, the church, your friends, your children, your spouse, and you.

Yet, even in devastation, God can rebuild what’s been broken. I’ve personally seen couples who, through repentance, counseling, and time, found not only forgiveness but renewal. It’s rare, but it’s real. God’s grace is bigger than our sin.

Still, prevention is far better than repair. Guard your marriage fiercely. Protect your eyes, your mind, your time, and your heart. Intimacy outside the marriage covenant begins long before physical touch. It is a slippery slope that starts with unchecked curiosity, excitement, and emotional drift.

Unrepentant Sin

Every spouse sins. Every marriage includes moments of failure, selfishness, or hurt. But there’s a difference between sin and unrepentant sin.

Unrepentant sin is when wrong becomes a way of life. Unrepentant sin is when a spouse refuses to acknowledge the damage being done, refuses to seek help, and refuses to change. Whether it’s addiction, chronic dishonesty, or spiritual apathy, unrepentant sin erodes trust and faithfulness from within.

Hebrews 3:13 warns, “Exhort one another every day… that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.”

How Sin Hardens the Heart

At first, sin whispers. It justifies itself. “It’s not that bad.” “Everyone struggles with something.” “I’ll deal with it later.” “Nobody will even know .” “It doesn't hurt anybody.”

But sin tolerated becomes sin defended. And sin defended becomes sin that dominates.

I’ve seen marriages strangled by addiction to pornography, alcohol, gambling, workaholism, and where one spouse’s refusal to repent crushed intimacy and trust, and ultimately the relationship.

In those cases, repentance isn’t just about saying “I’m sorry.” Repentance is about confessing, seeking help, and walking in accountability. Without repentance, the covenant decays, leaving behind resentment and pain.

The Path Back

The gospel always holds a door open for repentance. 1 John 1:9 promises, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

Restoration doesn’t mean ignoring sin, it means confronting sin in the light of grace. Couples who repent and pursue healing both individually and together often discover a new depth of faith and love they never had before.

But unrepentant sin left unchecked is like mold in the walls. Eventually, it will destroy everything around it.

The Ripple Effects of Active Violations

Active violations don’t just harm the individuals involved. Active violations ripple outward.

When a marriage breaks, children feel it in their bones. They question love. They question safety. Some even question God.

Extended families fracture. Friend groups divide. Church communities grieve. The ripple of one couple’s broken covenant can touch dozens of lives.

That’s why covenant faithfulness matters so deeply. Marriage isn’t a private contract. Marriage is an exclusive covenant, but it is very much so a public testimony. When a marriage breaks, the damage extends far beyond just two people.

Still, even in that pain, God is not absent. Psalm 34:18 promises, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”

He meets the wounded. He comforts the betrayed. He rebuilds what’s been lost.

A Word of Hope & Marriage Counseling

Here’s a huge theological truth I don't want to leave unsaid: even when human covenants fail, God’s covenant never fails.

Some marriages can be restored through repentance, counseling, and forgiveness. Others cannot. In those cases where reconciliation isn't possible, God still brings redemption and healing to the individuals involved. His grace runs deeper than our failures.

Joel 2:25 declares, “I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten.” God specializes in restoring what’s been devoured by sin, betrayal, or loss.

If your marriage has been damaged by an active violation, healing is possible. But healing begins with honesty. Acknowledge the wound. Bring it into the light. Seek godly help. Seek counseling from your pastor or pursue marriage counseling. Having a trustworthy guide on your journey is beyond important. And trust that the same God who raises the dead can also resurrect a marriage that feels lifeless.

Remember, the cross was God’s answer to every broken covenant. Jesus bore the weight of human unfaithfulness so that we could experience His unbreakable faithfulness.

Guard the Covenant

Marriages don’t always crumble overnight. Sometimes a marriage is violently torn apart by egregious acts of sin. That’s why guarding your covenant is vital.

 Be vigilant. Guard your words. Guard your eyes. Guard your heart. Guard your mind. Guard your time. Protect trust. Reject abuse. Resist temptation. Fight sin with repentance. Covenant love is too precious to leave unguarded.

If you want your marriage to be a marriage that lasts, you must be proactive about the things that can destroy it. Set up boundaries before you need them. Choose confession over concealment. Seek help before the damage multiplies.

The good news is that covenant marriage doesn’t depend on perfection, it depends on persistence. When two imperfect people cling to a perfect God, grace keeps what sin tries to destroy.

Next time, we’ll look at another way marriages break... not through active violation, but through passive abandonment, when love fades, effort wanes, and hearts drift.

Because covenant doesn’t just call us to avoid sin, it calls us to actively pursue love.